Sunday 28 February 2010

Anniversary

I can’t believe it’s 12 months since our wedding day. Today is our first anniversary and blimey has the time flown. My husband and I had a wonderful day, spent with our loved ones and friends. Memories of the day will forever be in our minds and our hearts. And I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who shared our special day with us, everyone who sent messages etc and to those who have sent messages today.

When I think back over certain times in my life, I can honestly say hand on heart, that I never thought the day would come that I would get married. Of course it’s something I always hoped for, but meeting that special someone who loved me for the person that I am I thought would never happen. Going back to life as an Ichthyosis sufferer, having the condition can affect many aspects of your life generally. It can affect things that a lot of people take for granted, also things that many people generally have reservations about or are self conscious about. Having Ichthyosis can have a great effect on your confidence and social life for example. Constantly aware of people staring (of which I’ve had my fair share of and still do), being judged because of the way you look on the outside etc. There are some really cruel and downright nasty people out there. But I put it all down to fear of the unknown, in some cases curiosity yes, but overall, it’s down to plain ignorance. I personally would much rather someone came over to me and asked me about my skin instead of standing there gawping - if anything I feel sorry for the person staring, they make themselves uncomfortable because they don’t know how to handle it. It makes me really angry sometimes too, because I sometimes think, hang on a minute I’m the one who has to live with it shouldn’t I be the one feeling awkward? But the truth is, I don’t. I’ve accepted my condition, and that it is a part of me and the way I am. But it’s not ’me’, by that I mean I’m not going to let the condition take over my life. I have Ichthyosis ’it’ doesn’t have me - if that makes sense? Other little things I used to get embarrassed about when it came to letting anyone into my life so to speak, were things such as ‘How are they going to react when they notice how my skin sheds so much?’, 'how are they going to react when my skin breaks' - will all this put them off? You ask yourself so many questions, but at the same time I learnt to deal with it in my own way and told myself, if they can’t accept me for the way I am then maybe they’re not worth knowing quite frankly.

Anyway, back on topic lol Right now I feel very lucky, and very blessed. As cliched as it sounds, I knew as soon as I met my husband we would be together. We’re a great team, and he’s accepted me for who I am ‘warts an’ all’ so to speak. I won’t go on too much about the details, as a lot of it is personal, but what I will say is that I am so grateful, for everything he is and everything he does for me. We also have a beautiful son, and again we are so lucky as there was a 50% chance that he too would inherit my Ichthyosis. He is clear of Ichthyosis and both he and my husband are my world.

Sorry for getting a bit deep and soppy but I just felt it was appropriate to talk about this as it’s our anniversary.

Thanks for ‘listening’ and most of all thank you to my hubby for everything!!!

Wednesday 24 February 2010

Done & Dusted

Well, as talked about in my last blog entry I went to my GP's today regarding the dreaded blood tests. To say I was a bit nervous was a bit of an understatement really, but I knew I had to go in there with an open mind. I wasn't waiting long when I was called in. I began to tell the Dr about what had happened, right from when I had tried to get the bloods done at his surgery last week.

As ever he sat and listened to me, like he always does - like I said in my last blog I feel I can really talk to my GP about anything and not feel uncomfortable or embarrassed and I can say what I really think or how I'm really feeling without him judging me. As I was telling him what had happened, I almost got upset but managed to hold it together and his reaction... well let's just say he wasn't impressed.

He advised that I make a complaint about Monday's 'episode' and he was quite disgusted at the way I'd been treated. In his own words he even said "We all have off days, bad days, but we most definitely shouldn't bring it into work with us, especially where patients are involved. We should most definitely not take it out on our patients". He totally knew and understood where I was coming from, because he gave me the chance to explain things fully. He then said he'd try to get some bloods, which I didn't mind. I showed him the arm that the nurse tried last week, where the bruise was and where the nurse on monday tried to get bloods from even though it was VERY painful for me but she wasn't listening grrr... - I said to him "this is where the nurse tried to get the blood last week but couldn't and it left a bruise" and before I even said anything else about how the nurse at the hospital treated me as regards that he said "I'm not going to even attempt to get it where there's a bruise". I then went on to tell him how the nurse at the hospital was with me as regards that arm and he just kept shaking his head, he couldn't believe it.

Anyway, he tried the other arm, I just closed my eyes, turned away chatted at about a million miles an hour about nothing so to take my mind off it and in the needle went. Although the blood was a bit slow at first it was soon over within just a few minutes. I was completely fine. Now whether it was because I knew my Dr and he was fully aware of my condition, and I just felt relaxed with him I don't know. But I tell you what, I certainly felt more relaxed and was really quite chirpy afterwards :-) I was quite proud of myself if I can say that lol

He gave me contact details of who to complain to, and he has told me that if for whatever reason I need to get bloods done again I should request the he does them and he'd be happy to do them for me, which is reassuring :-) He even apologied and I told him not to as it wasn't his fault. I said I didn't really want to get anyone into any trouble but he told me by complaining about the nurse I wouldn't be, it's not my fault and that she needs to be told about her behaviour and attitude.

All I can say is... thank God that's over with. I get the results next week... will keep you posted ;-)

Tuesday 23 February 2010

Mission Impossible - Part 2

Went to the hospital yesterday for my appointment to get my blood test done. What can I say?.... Well let’s just say it was an ‘experience’. I arrived a good 10-15 mins before my appointment time, gave my form to the lady on the reception desk and took a seat in the waiting area... as you do. I was barely sat down 2 mins when they called me in. Oooh great I thought, will get this over with sooner than I expected.... How wrong was I?

Now, it’s funny really because as soon as I saw the lady who called me in and who was to take my bloods, I had a feeling I wouldn’t ’take’ to her. Sorry if that sounds judgemental or whatever, but you know when you can just tell whether or not you’re going to get on with someone... I have a good sixth sense in many ways (no I don‘t mean psychic lol), I mean I’m not just a good judge of character. Anyway, I went into the cubicle where I tried to explain my circumstances and my condition to the nurse, but to put it bluntly the nurse was too busy faffing around and didn’t show any signs that she was listening. I tried again, but nothing. She had me sit down, I tried to tell her how nervous I was and she said “ ok, is it because you’ve had a bad experience in the past?” I said “you could say that” I then went on to try and explain the problems I have when having bloods done because of my skin condition. I also went on to tell her that I’m not that fond of needles too, to which she replied “I'm the same when I go to the dentist” She had me roll my sleeve up took one look at my arm (the inside of my elbow area) and said “Oooh I can’t get it from there”. I was thinking... “that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you” and then she went straight for the vein which was clearly visable on my left arm - which incidentally is the very arm that the nurse tried to get blood from last week and it caused a bruise, (I’m not used to bruises myself again due to my Ichthyosis so it was really painful for me as the skin in that particular area is very thin). It wasn't the nurses fault though, it's just one of those things.

Again I kept trying to tell her that it was still bruised from last week, so was still very tender yet she still insisted on taking the blood from that arm. She just looked at me and said “ Ah, but there’s a good vein there” and I said “Yes I know, but it’s bruised, and the nurse who tried to get bloods from there last week managed to get some, but then it just stopped flowing”. She then said “the bruise is underneath” Then she looked at me as if I was trying to say she couldn’t do her job which I most definitely wasn’t, in fact I hardly even spoke as I didn't get the chance. It was very clear to me from the moment I walked into that cubicle that this particular nurse just wanted me in and out and then to get on with whatever else it was she needed to do. But without trying to sound like a complete wimp and yes I know that some of it is my own fault because of the experiences I’ve had as regards needles over the years (and there has been a LOT). I do tend to get worked up and upset and nervous, but as far as I’m concerned I think I’ve got every reason to be. And most doctors and nurses I’ve come into contact with who have treated me for whatever, have been very sympathetic, patient and have helped to reassure me and make me feel as comfortable as possible. The thing is, I can’t be rushed, not just because of my ‘fear’ but because I know my condition and I know that just because there’s a ‘good vein’ there, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to get anything out of it. And that was the point I was trying to get across to the nurse but to no avail. She took everything I tried to say the wrong way, was very patronising and even looked at me as if she didn’t believe what I was saying about my condition. She looked at me in this way after a comment she made, she said “now come on, it doesn’t hurt you know” I said “ well actually yes it does hurt with my condition because my skin is very thin there” and she just gave me this look as if to say ‘yeah right ok whatever’.

By this point I started to get upset, and she went on to say “Now come on you’re getting yourself all worked up now” and that was it, I just burst into tears.. .. Hmmmm I wonder why!! She just made me feel like I’d been called into the headteacher’s office to be told off for something I’d not done it was awful. I was all for getting it over and done with, and she tried three times. But every time she went near me with the needle it was really painful because of the bruise. So she just said “No sorry I can’t do it, it’s not safe, you keep moving". So when she said that she couldn’t do it, I got even more upset. She said “You’ll have to come another time, we’ve got other patients to see” which confirmed my initial feeling that I was on a conveyor belt system. She even asked another nurse to help, I’m guessing to come and talk to me to try and take my mind off things while she took the bloods, but the other nurse said “Has she not got anyone with her? I can’t help you I’ve got this to do then I’ve got 2 patients to see”.

I’m sorry but whenever I go to the hospital, to the docs etc I, like everyone else have to wait. I’m not asking for priority treatment here, all I wanted was some compassion, some sensitivity etc. I certainly wasn’t planning on telling the nurse my life story but she NEEDED to know about my condition and my situation with having bloods taken. I did also initially try to explain to her that the lady I spoke to on the phone when I made my appointment told me to inform whoever was taking my bloods about my condition, but she just sort of blanked me. After the last attempt she did at taking the bloods she sat on her chair and as I was trying to talk through the tears after her upsetting me by her general ignorance, she looked straight at me and said “It’s not ME!” pointing to herself. I though well thanks a lot, I’m sorry to be such of an inconvenience to you. To my knowledge I assumed that when I first phoned up and made the appointment the lady had written down my details, including the name of my condition as she asked me to spell it for her.... Maybe I was wrong to make such an assumption. Both the women I spoke to on the phone when I made the appointment were really nice, and reassuring I really couldn’t fault them.

The nurse once again said “you’d better make another appointment on your way out” I said “No, I don’t think so. What’s the point because the same will happen again , my condition isn’t going to change between now and then” “well you’ll have to see your doctor then” I said “Don’t worry I will and I’ll make sure he knows about all this” after which I stormed out, in tears calling the nurse a stupid cow as I went through the waiting room.... Oopsies!! Sooo NOT like me!!! I was shaking like a leaf afterwards.

So, here’s me trying to be brave etc, and the woman didn’t even give me chance to take a deep breath before she tried to put the needle in. I’ve got more compassion in my little toe than she has in her entire body, she’s in the wrong job if you ask me. I mean yes, I understand that the nurses etc deal with patients with phobias everyday and that they’re really good at their job and I don’t doubt that for a second, but my point is everyone (patients) is different and they should take that into account when dealing with such patients. I was sooo angry and upset that I felt like getting onto the phone to my GP and telling him about what had happened. I also felt close to reporting her because of the way she made me feel, she made me feel like nothing, like I was ‘just another patient‘ (and yes I know I am just another patient to an extent) and she made me feel like the whole thing was my fault and my fault alone.

I phoned my hubby to come and pick me up as he’d dropped me off (again I wanted to try and be brave and go on my own) and he went with our little boy into town. I told him all about what happened on the way back into town, and he said it was a good job he wasn’t there really as he would’ve said something... Ooo-eck! lol We went back into town as I wanted to see my GP as soon as possible and to inform him of what happened. I managed to get an appointment with him for tomorrow (Wed 24th Feb) and the receptionist wrote down what it was all for etc. And she said she’d put me down for my GP to do my bloods for me (well to try anyway).

My GP is great though, he’s one of the best doctor’s I’ve ever seen and he always makes sure I have all the treatments I need etc. He’s seen my condition at it’s worst, and always tells me ‘if you’ve any problems, if there’s anything I can do just call.’ So I’ll just have to see what happens tomorrow. I think if anything I’ll probably feel more relaxed with my own GP doing the blood test therefore, hopefully more chance of him actually getting some.

What a day though!!! Talk about stress! Not long after I got home, I started with a big blister above my knee, which was really quite painful when I stood up and tried to straighten my knee or walk. I quickly started to feel off colour, feeling sick and underneath the blister felt like it was on fire. It was burning up. I ended up having an early night and slept right through. I was hoping I could take Daniel to the teddy club (toddler group) in the morning but I wasn’t feeling well enough. Just goes to show just how much an experience like the one I had at the hospital can take out of you. It might not seem much to some people but to me it was a big deal, by that I mean it took a lot out of me. I was just glad to get home.

Friday 19 February 2010

Mission Impossible

Went to the doctors on Tuesday for blood test and stuff. Yet again, as per the nurses couldn’t get any bloods. I knew as soon as my GP mentioned about getting bloods done that it’d be nigh on impossible but I, as ever said I’d give it a go.

Let me explain. All my life it’s been extremely difficult whenever I’ve had to have blood tests because of my skin. I used to see a dermatologist once every 6 months in Cardiff, (from the age of 3 yrs to about 17 yrs old) and every time I went I had to have routine bloods taken. I absolutely hated it. Not just because I had a fear of needles but because they usually had to try more than once to get anything out of me.

I can’t have them taken from my inner elbow/arm because my skin is too thick there, and generally the doctors or nurses taking the blood won’t take it from there anyway because of my skin. So whenver they (the docs) try they tend to try and get it from my forearms or back of my hands.

When I was pregnant it’s routine to have bloods done and once again they had great difficulty in getting anything from me. The worst one was when I had to have a glucose test for gestational diabetes. They tried five times in different parts of my arms and hands. I just kept telling them to try though as I needed to get it done - for both myself and my baby. It was as if my veins were like taps, they’d get a little tiny bit then it’d just stop. It doesn’t help when the docs/nurses are telling you to relax, which in my case just makes me tense up even more as I’m trying too hard to relax lol. But yeah, it’s not a pleasant thing at the best of times for anyone I know that, but needs must.

On Tuesday I was having the bloods done so the doc could give me a general check, as I’ve been a bit run down lately (and have lost weight eeek! Not good especially for me - those of you who know me well will know how much I love my food). Been getting headaches, feeling dizzy and lightheaded, off my food etc. They tried 3 times to get bloods on Tuesday but no joy... Actually I tell a lie, they managed to get enough for a full blood count which was one lot, but they needed three different lots.

So, I had to make an appointment to get them done again at the hospital’s pathology dept. I had to be referred there a few times while I was pregnant as everyone who tried in neonatal etc had real problems getting anything. It wasn't their fault though, just one of those things - comes with the territory with Ichthyosis I think lol - Thankfully, in the pathology dept. they managed to get something more or less first time. So I’m hoping on Monday, when I go again that it’ll be ok. The person I spoke to on the phone when I was making my appointment was lovely though and reassured me that they’ll do all they can to make me as comfortable as possible. Just have to keep telling myself, if I managed a c-section I can manage anything hehehe.

When making my appointment for Monday, I again had to explain everything the problems I have and about my condition so they understood my circumstances better. I have to laugh though, because whenever I go to have bloods done, I always say to whoever is taking them (trying to) I hope you like a challenge. I'm still a bit bruised from Tuesdays attempts but not too bad, I’ve had worse put it that way.

Had a rough night last night though, up all night feeling sick and really bad stomach. Plus a large-ish blister appeared on my leg just below my knee. Have had a few small ones over the last few days. Why is it the smallest ones that seem to hurt and sting the most?? Oh well..... Just one look at my little boy and seeing his beautiful smile makes it all disappear :-)

I’m feeling a bit better today though I must say, just want to get Monday over with now.... Bring it on!

Thursday 18 February 2010

Dermday

Just had to post about this on the off chance that it may reach further afield, and hopefully to raise awareness. I know some of you may have seen my blog over on my website at: www.friends-of-ichthyosis.webs.com about the Dermday event which I attended back in July last year (2009). Well my husband and I have been invited to attend another one and I thought I'd post the info on here should anyone happen to see it who may be interested in getting involved and helping out. This is what I wrote in a recent message to all my members on my website.

"Hi Everyone,

Are you affected by Ichthyosis or know someone who is? Are you interested in helping to educate future doctors/dermatologists (student doctors) about Ichthyosis or related skin conditions? Then you may be interested in the following event.

On Saturday 13th March 2010 at Manchester Royal Infirmary in the UK, a 'Dermday' will be held. I attended a similar event myself in July last year and it was a very interesting experience from a patient's point of view and I really felt that I contributed to the education of future dermatologists and doctors. Many of the student doctors I spoke to (if not all) were not aware of Ichthyosis and were genuinely interested in the condition and learning about it. I got some great feedback which was very positive, saying the doctors there had learned a lot - mission accomplished! I have since been informed that the day overall was a great success - hence why more are being planned.

If you would like further information about what the event involves, please check the Friends of Ichthyosis website blog about the event at the following link:

http://friends-of-ichthyosis.webs.com/apps/blog/entries/show/1376502-dermatology-student-research-day-4th-july-2009

Or just go to www.friends-of-ichthyosis.webs.com and click on the 'Blog' link at the top of the page.

You can also contact me directly via my email address at: friends-of-ichthyosis@live.co.uk

So please, if you are interested or know of anyone you think may be interested do get in touch. The more people we can get involved the better. Education is the key in raising awareness of Ichthyosis and your help is vital and greatly appreciated.

Many thanks & kind regards
Melanie Bradley (Friends of Ichthyosis Admin)"

Just thought I'd share ;-)

Inspired

Today I read another blog and just had to write about it. It’s by someone I sort of know via the Darren Hayes FC days and she has the same skin disorder I have. Before I go on I would just like to say a big thanks to you Carly Findlay, for being my inspiration. Your spirit and inner strength is amazing, and I have learnt so much from you by reading your blogs.

Those of you who know me well will know, that ever since I can remember I have done a lot of writing, whether it be articles, essays for college, personal things (similar to a diary), letters to friends (handwritten) amongst lots of other stuff. Yet it is only these last few weeks I have ’discovered’ the great online world of blogging. I am now kicking myself that I haven’t done this sooner, because it’s a great way to communicate and to really express myself through writing, also a great means of somewhere I can go ’online’ to just be myself. Also ever since I became involved in the Ichthyosis Support Group in 1998 and was the Northern Area Rep, I’ve strived to educate the wider public about Ichthyosis. I have so far done this via articles, being invited to do talks for various organisations and at various fundraising events. And what better way to further educate people about Ichthyosis than a blog, like I say I just wish I’d thought of doing it sooner d’oh!

Oh well, I’m here now and I plan to make the most of posting blogs about various things - apoloogies if some of them end up being quite long too eeek! I know some of this I’ve already mentioned in my introduction of my blog, but anyway...

Reading Carly’s blog, well I can’t begin to explain really. Sorry if I offend you Carly, that is certainly NOT my intention, but so much of what you say I can relate to in many ways. Every time I read about what you’ve said about your Ichthyosis I find myself saying to myself, “that’s exactly how I feel” or even thinking “are you writing about me, or is it me writing this?” lol I also know that if any of my other friends who know me well, were to read your blogs they’d know exactly what I mean by this. Your positive outlook on life, your general ‘get on with it’ attitude is something I too have always had towards my Ichthyosis (I have Bullous Ichthyosis -aka EHK by the way). Family friends who know me well, often say to me “How do you always manage to have a smile on your face with what you have to put up with?” I simply answer “I just do, it’s just me. I’ve never known any different as regards my skin condition so there’s no point complaining about it. I’ve accepted my condition and I just get on with life and make the most of it as best I can”. There are plenty of people in this world who are far worse off than myself and if I can help those then I will.

In fact, reading Carly’s blogs has given me the incentive to start writing openly about my illness. Usually I tend not to even let on if I’m in pain or sore or whatever, (let’s face it, can you imagine if I had a pound for every time I had a sore, a blister or was in pain my God I’d be rich lol - oooh maybe I should start a new business venture lol - joke!) because I’m the kind of person that just gets on with it, and my answer whenever anyone asks me “How are you?” I pretty much always say in reply “I’m fine or I’m not too bad thanks”. This is mainly because I don’t like people thinking that all I do is moan. That’s another one of my ‘weaknesses’ if you like, I tend to care too much about what other people think. Sometimes I do have the mindset depending on my mood and think “sod the lot of ya, I don’t give a toss what you think, so what?” But then sometimes I think, “have I offended them, do they think bad of me?” Call it paranoia, call it an insecurity, or whatever, I don‘t know. But it‘s just the way I am, I‘m a people pleaser I suppose you could say. This kind of attitude runs in my family, laid back, taking things with a pinch of salt etc. But now I’ve finally found a way of letting go, I just hope that I can ’let go’ so that you can see another side of ‘my world’.

Thanks again Carly, keep it up and I very much so look forward to more of your blog entries. Hope you’re feeling better soon by the way ;-)

Saturday 13 February 2010

Valentines Day cards banned

I had the news on TV on Thursday (11th Feb) evening, there was a report on about a primary school in Somerset whose Headteacher has banned Valentines cards because the children may get "upset by rejection". I thought I'd misheard it at first, and as I only caught the last part of the story decided to have a look online to see if I could find the full story and lo and behold... Here it is:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/education/article7022651.ece

Surely this is a step too far? When I was at primary school, we made Valentines cards and gave them to our parents. The primary school in Somerset are saying that the children will be "upset by rejection" (that was the quote on the news on the TV), well correct me if I'm wrong but isn't being rejected in one form or another a fact of life that we all go through at some stage (on more than one occasion too I might add). It's part of growing up. Surely if we weren't rejected in one way or another, then we would go through life with too many high expectations. We would have totally the wrong attitude, and we'd be told what we 'want' to hear rather than the truth, therefore living on false hopes?

The sooner we can adapt the better I say. If anything, by experiencing rejection we are enhancing the social and emotional development of children. I mean, what is the alternative... that they learn to 'hate' for God's sake??? The sending of Valentines cards is so they can learn about love and love comes in different forms, not just sexually. Of course some children, or indeed people in general cope better with certain things (in this case rejection) better than others, that's what makes us individuals. Everyone is different, that's life. It is stated in the last quote at the end of the article that "cards declaring love can be confusing". If anything I think that this is an insult to the children's intelligence.

This whole thing has just been blown out of proportion and it comes across that the school are twisting things round by bringing the concept/boardering on insinuating sexual relationships going from this quote from the Headteacher:

"Some children and parents encourage a lot of talk about boyfriends and girlfriends. We believe that such ideas should wait until children are mature enough emotionally and socially to understand the commitment involved in having or being a boyfriend or girlfriend"

Maybe I misinterpreted this quote, but.... The kids aren't getting married to each other for God's sake. If they're (the headteacher I mean) making an issue of the school's theory that by sending Valentines cards to each other it insinuates sexual relationships, then it is only bringing the subjects children's attention and curiosity to what sex is more? Therefore, encouraging it? and by 'encouraging' I mean encouraging the kids to ask what sex is? I don't know, to me it just seems that their perspectives are wrong.

What I do know is that from my own experience at primary school, I didn't know what sex was at that age nor did I fully understand about relationships, I just knew that I loved my parents, and my family and that they loved me and that's basically it.

I also understand that times are changing fast (now, maybe I'm showing my age here or old before my time by what I'm about to say? lol)but times are changing and not for the better in some instances sadly. But parents are getting younger so it seems, and maybe their parents were also very young when they had their firstborn? therefore aren't maybe as well educated about relationships as perhaps they could/should've been? I'm not saying that this is the case for all young parents, as I feel strongly against tarring everyone with the same brush etc. I'm just saying this as an example.

Anyway, however you're spending your Valentines day, whatever you do, wherever you go and whoever you're with, enjoy the day and have a good 'un!

Friday 12 February 2010

So, so sad

Sorry to post a sad blog, but I just had to write about this. I was heartbroken when I heard on the news on Thursday I think it was, of the tragic accident in which an 89 year old driver lost control of his car and mounted the pavement hitting a young mother who was pushing her 18 month old son in his pram. Here is a link to the story



Tonight (Friday 12th Feb) I heard on the news that the Mother of the toddler sadly died of her injuries at 8.10pm on Friday (12th Feb) night. I went cold when I heard this story, I really felt for the families of the Mother, the baby and the elderly man. Such a tragic accident. It has also since been said that the elderly driver could've collapsed at the wheel, possibly suffered a heart attack whilst driving.

I know it's probably a difficult question to answer but should a person of 89 years of age really be driving? What are your thoughts?

Thursday 11 February 2010

Decisions, Decisions

Since leaving school in 1994, I feel that all I've ever done is study. I've studied many various subjects such as Business Administration, Media Studies, Environmental Studies, Animal Behaviour, Audio Engineering (to name just a few) as I never really knew what it was that I wanted to do with my life career-wise. There's so many subjects I'm interested in, but when all is said and done and no matter what I study I always end up back to my first love, my first 'hobby' if you like which started at the age of four, and that is.... music.

Deep down I know my ambition in life is to work in theatre in one form or another, mainly as a sound technician. I've done voluntary work as a sound technician at a local theatre, which I absolutely loved. It was in all honesty, the one time I really felt 'at home' doing what I love. So... why have I STILL not done anything about it you might ask? Well, the answer to that question may be easier than I once first thought, it's just a matter of being honest with myself. And in all honesty I suppose somewhere within me, there is a 'fear'. That's the only way I can describe it really. A fear in the sense that I severely lack faith in myself and my capabilities. I mean, I know I can do it, I suppose I'm just plain scared (God that was hard to admit eeek!).

And why am I so scared? The more I think about it all, the more annoyed I get with myself because yet again I let my lack of self confidence get the better of me. I need to push myself, to gain that confidence from somewhere, somehow. I know I can do it, I'll get there it's just a matter of when. And the only way I can push myself forward, is if I get off my backside and do something about it.

What I do know is that I can't continue the way I am, pondering or dwelling on the 'what if's'. Cross those bridges as I come to them, life is far too short I always say. I have a young son too now, so not only would it be for my benefit to make the most of my life doing what I love, also to gain my self-confidence, but it would be for my son to give him a better start in life. I know that some people may say or think 'well you should've thought about all that before' don't get me wrong I did, but circumstances don't always allow and it can be difficult. The important thing is that I'm doing something about it now, which surely is better than doing nothing at all... ever.

So, over the last couple of months I've sat thinking (and yes it did hurt lol kidding), have done my research, searched my soul and have asked myself what it is that I really want to do and I've come to a decision. I'm going to study again, this time for the thinkgs/subjects I really want to study to help me get to where I really want to be.

I start studying with the Open University in May, towards a BA (hons) in Humanities with Media and Music. And you know what? I'm really looking forward to it. Yes, it will take time and yes it may take time before I get a job generally let alone the job I really want but I have to be patient. I know jobs in the theatre are competitive to say the least, and can also be few and far between, but I'm a determined person and will keep on trying. I'm not a quitter.

All those years of study in the past, sometimes I do see as a 'waste', but on the other hand it was all a learning experience of life in general. That's the way I'm looking at it, it's helped to make me what I am today if anything and for that I'm grateful. Now is the time to move on, not dwell on the past and concentrate on my future as a mother, a wife and for a new start career-wise. Studying for this degree will open many more doors of opportunity for me. And in the meantime I'll do the odd bit of voluntary work here and there, if and when I can. Whether it be at local theatres or in charity shops. (* note to self - one day I WILL be a sound technician - keep the faith)

I'll keep you posted ;-)